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Flesh of My Flesh (fic; Saiyuki)

Title: Flesh of My Flesh
Author: opalmatrix
Warnings: Fluff! Crack! Schmoop! And a semi-technical discussion of mpreg! You have been warned.
Pairing(s): Hakkai/Gojyo
Rating: PG-13 for two guys canoodling in bed and strange biology
Spoilers: bits about Hakkai's and Gojyo's respective families.
Notes: smillaraaq and I were talking about andmydog's two-part Kink Meme fic (Green Thumb) about Hakkai and the plant babies. We were both in agreement that the bit in Part 2 where Hakkai seems pleased that the plants resembled Gojyo in at least one respect was especially charming. That thought grew into this story. smillaraaq did the beta read.
Summary: Gojyo inspires Hakkai to a peculiar flight of fancy.

Hakkai was thinking.

This wasn't always a pleasant activity - his brain was quite capable of wandering off into dark alleys involving his past, and sometimes even his future - but when he was lying like this, limp and completely relaxed and tangled snugly with Gojyo in their bed, it was hard to think of anything that wasn't enjoyable on some level. Even lists of chores that hadn't been done were spiced with the knowledge that he'd cheated himself - he was his own sternest taskmaster - by taking this time to indulge himself and his best friend with deliciously lascivious activities.

Just now, his head was pillowed on Gojyo's muscular but boney chest, and Gojyo's big, strong heart was sounding strongly right under his ear, beating out a message just for him, drowning out any voices that might try to whisper from the darker crannies of his brain: Live now, love now, live now, love now ... . Their legs were tangled together warmly. Hakkai had one arm draped across Gojyo's chest as well, and he was playing with a strand of crimson hair, lank with sweat at the moment, but still beautiful. How could he have ever felt that this color was sinister?

If we had children, he thought, they would be three quarters youkai. Would they have red hair and eyes, or not?

Of course it was ridiculous. Their lovemaking would never breed anything but pleasure for themselves and disapproving looks from Sanzo. He laughed silently - or so he thought.

"Hmmm? What's funny, baby?"

He felt Gojyo's voice as much as he heard it. The vibration made him feel content and cherished. "Well, I was just thinking ... ."

Gojyo chuckled, a friendly little earthquake under Hakkai's head. "Didn't I tell you that's bad for you? Lookit your temples - thinning already!" Long fingers combed through his hair. "So what's got your brain going this time?"

Hakkai hesitated a moment. "Truthfully, I was wondering whether our children would have your hair and eyes."

Gojyo's hand froze in his hair, like a small animal that thinks it scents a predator. "Umm ... Hakkai. Don't get me wrong - you're really hot and I can always get it up for you. But I am not havin' your baby."

"Aha ha ha ... of course not. The smoking and drinking wouldn't be good for it. I would have to carry our child myself."

"Hakkai ... ! " Gojyo whacked the mattress next his leg, exasperated. "You're a guy! What're you gonna carry the baby in?"

Hakkai sat up halfway and propped his head on his hand. As he expected, Gojyo's face was a delicious mixture of disbelief and outrage. Hakkai smiled calmly and prodded him a little more. "I thought I could try to grow a womb. With my qigong, I can make damaged tissue grow back now. It shouldn't be much harder than that. "

Gojyo was now rubbing his temples as though his head hurt. "But ... when the baby's ready to be born ... how ...?

"Oh, the birth would be by Caesarian section, of course."

Gojyo's healthy tan suddenly looked a little less healthy. He sat up and rolled over, grabbing Hakkai and pressing him down into the mattress, his hair spilling onto Hakkai's face and chest. "Hakkai ... buddy ... tell me you're not gonna mess with yourself like that. What if ... if somethin' went wrong ... ?"

The beautiful ruby irises of Gojyo's long-lashed eyes each had a ring of white all the way around. Hakkai was touched by the concern on his behalf, and a little ashamed of himself - but only a little. He craned his neck to kiss the corner of Gojyo's mouth.

"Well, then ... it was just an idea. You shouldn't worry so much about my post-coital ramblings, Gojyo. I'm liable to say almost anything. You're quite intoxicating sometimes."

Gojyo stared at him for a few seconds, processing that one, and finally smiled back at him. "Heh. I'm so good, I make you drunk?"


He felt Gojyo relaxing against and on top of him. The red eyes crinkled at the corners, and he seemed to be flushing slightly as he pressed soft, sloppy kisses from the base of Hakkai's throat up to his mouth. But it was all too gentle, and far too obviously driven by a need for reassurance rather than passion. Well, I have only myself to blame for that, he thought, as he responded in kind. Eventually, Gojyo laid his head on Hakkai's chest and sighed. Hakkai wound his fingers gently in long strands of crimson hair. "Are you falling asleep on me, Gojyo?"

"Uh ... yeah, sorry. " Gojyo rolled over - Hakkai hastily released his hair - and curled up with his back against Hakkai. "There ... now y'can breathe ... ."

Hakkai, bemused, spooned up behind him and draped one arm over his waist. Literal-minded Gojyo. There was no point in trying to explain. His mind drifted off again. He saw a daughter of 12 or so, with Gojyo's crimson hair - long, and in a braid, like Kanan's - and Dokugakuji's blue eyes. She would be motherly, and he would enjoy teaching her to cook. A son, a sturdy lad of 10, with Kanan's honey brown hair and his own green eyes. He would be quietly humorous and protective of his siblings. Another son, a quiet boy of seven who loved animals, and reading; he had Kanan's hazel eyes and Hakkai's deep brown hair. And last, a mischievous sprite of five, with Dokugakuji's inky hair and Gojyo's flaming eyes. She would be feisty, and get into fights defending weaker children.

I can dream, can't I? I have a practiced imagination, after all. Almost every day, I pretend that I never killed a tribe of youkai and half a village, never saw my lover die by her own hand, taking her unborn child with her ... .

He deliberately turned his mind away from those dark thoughts and pressed his mouth to the back of Gojyo's neck, parting his hair to breathe in the comfortingly familiar scent of salt sweat, musk, and that odd little note that made him think of river water. He opened his lips and traced with his tongue the prominent bump of the first large vertebra. Gojyo stirred and his breath made a faint sound almost like a little laugh. Hakkai pulled back a little and blew on the damp skin. Gojyo squirmed and finally swatted at the arm around him.

"Hey, stop ... you're tickling!"

"Mmm hmm," agreed Hakkai. He bit Gojyo's shoulder gently.

"Quit that, you wild man," protested Gojyo, unconvincingly. He grabbed the hand that was resting against his belly and began to kiss each finger individually. "I lied, y'know," he mumbled, suddenly, muffled against Hakkai's palm.

"You lied? About what?"

Gojyo tucked Hakkai's hand under his own chin, hugging the arm that hugged him. "I would have your baby. If I could."

Hakkai stopped breathing for a second. Then: "Would you stop drinking and smoking while you were pregnant?"

There was a long, sleepy pause. "Guess I'd have to, wouldn't I?"

Hakkai was afraid to say anything in the face of this amazing offer from his down-to-earth lover - even though the entire conversation was moonshine anyway.

"You can have the other one," added Gojyo.

"The other one?"

"His brother. Or sister. There oughta be two."

Hakkai moved his hand gently to feel around Gojyo's mouth. Yes, he was smiling. "Not two," said Hakkai. " Four. Two boys and two girls."

The smile slipped for a moment, and Gojyo grabbed his wrist. Then he started laughing, a soft, sleepy chuckle. "Now you're shitting me."

"Mmmm. Well, yes. And you weren't serious, either. But it was nice to hear." Hakkai snaked his other arm under Gojyo so that he could squeeze him, hard.

"Ooof! Damn, you're strong. Now I can't breathe."

Hakkai released him, then sat up and bent over to kiss his mouth, gently. Gojyo's eyelids were sliding shut again. "Good night, Gojyo."

"G'night, gorgeous."

Hakkai snuggled up behind him again, waiting for Gojyo's breathing to settle. His own breath seemed to large for his chest, as though his heart had grown and was taking up too much room. How absurd, to feel so happy about such a silly conversation. And the darkness that had been threatening to crawl out and engulf his thoughts had been blown away entirely. He could almost see it, pulled into streamers and raveled into nothingness, like smoke in a fresh breeze.

You're quite intoxicating sometimes. I'm liable to say almost anything ... .

Hakkai's lips moved, forming words so quietly that he hardly heard them himself:

"I love you, gorgeous."



( 23 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Jun. 11th, 2008 11:45 am (UTC)

Awww! (Although looking at your LJ, I can see why crying might have been on the menu ... )

I'm glad you enjoyed it - I was mostly thinking "this is such a doofy idea," but smilla talked me into it, and then I got into the cuddly stuff.

(Deleted comment)
Jun. 11th, 2008 11:46 am (UTC)

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it (despite the fact that it's not your favorite recipe!).

Jun. 11th, 2008 11:19 am (UTC)
It seems Hakkai is getting better at controlling his thoughts. And that was such a sweet story, I loved it. ^^
Jun. 11th, 2008 11:52 am (UTC)

Hee! I'm so glad. Yes, Gojyo's his salvation and his teddy bear, all rolled into one.

Jun. 11th, 2008 11:37 am (UTC)
Yeah it was amazingly real. That's why it was so intense to me.
Jun. 11th, 2008 11:54 am (UTC)

smilla was saying something like that in her beta comments - that the story was very much grounded in the physical senses despite the fact that it was about Hakkai's imagination. I'm happy it worked for you!

Jun. 11th, 2008 12:04 pm (UTC)
Oh, oh, oh. That was beautiful. Wonderful and poignant. The picture that you've given us of them tangled up together in a moment of quiet contentment is just lovely. Also, for all that their conversation is a discussion of make-believe, it's also all about hopes and dreams, and I love it. Thanks for sharing this.
Jun. 12th, 2008 08:52 pm (UTC)

Aw, I'm so glad you feel that way! Yes, I think it takes Gojyo a little while to figure out what Hakkai's on about sometimes, but he gets there, in the end. He doesn't have much scientific or literary intelligence, but he has considerable emotional intelligence. In this case, all he needed was to sleep on it a little.

Jun. 11th, 2008 12:14 pm (UTC)
Wow, your descriptions are amazingly vivid, and I love that the lack of realism in m-preg is acknowledged. I can completely get that this fic is purely about the love and partnership between Hakkai and Gojyo.
Jun. 12th, 2008 09:04 pm (UTC)

I'm not all that fond of mpreg (although there have been a few that I've enjoyed), and when someone said "it's mpreg week," I was thinking I could never write one. Then smilla and I were talking about "Green Thumb" and how that was OK because it was some kind of weird Hakkai plant thing ... .

I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for reading!

Jun. 11th, 2008 02:01 pm (UTC)
This was wonderful. It was so... Real in a way. I think it is because it's so much a conversation I can see happening. Sometimes you have those moments when you're completely at ease with life and the world and completely relaxed and than the weirdest ideas just start making sense. They often turn into wonderful conversations and this one is just such a good example of it. Lovely and cuddly and very much with underlying themes.
Added to memories for if I need some quiet contentment and silliness somewhere in the future.
Jun. 12th, 2008 09:08 pm (UTC)

Hee, you just summed up what I think I was trying to do, to some extent. I love that Hakkai and Gojyo seem so "married," because I don't see that as incompatible with physical passion, and I imagine they have all sorts of nutty conversations, because Hakkai seems to like that. And sometimes Gojyo can get into playing along - because he does like a good laugh - but sometimes it takes him a little while to catch on.

Aww, I'm so pleased that you made it into one of your memories! That's such a compliment!

Jun. 11th, 2008 03:13 pm (UTC)
I love those Green Thumb stories, and I went back and read them just because you linked to them. ;D

This was such a romantic story. I kind of calls up all those married-people things that H & G have going on in spades all the time... stupid conversations that only the two will understand, and the unspoken stuff too that they get. And I liked that there was a re-affirmation of their commitment to each other -- wanting to have children together even though that can't be. And also that they actually verbalized it to each other. They still can't bring themselevs to say the L-word out loud, but it's there anyway. I thought that was really bittersweet.

I did laugh at the fantasy children discussion, and who would be bearing them and so on. LOL. But even that was bittersweet. You know it's love when Gojyo says he'd give up drinking and smoking to bear Hakkai's child. ;D

Jun. 12th, 2008 09:14 pm (UTC)

Yeah, I found myself thinking that if anything fic-wise were going to reveal that I was married myself, it would be this kind of story. And they really can and do talk about almost anything - right from the start, when Hakkai 'fessed up about Kanan, and Gojyo was so calm about it, it was plain that they could do that. Gojyo's not deep in an intellectual sense, but he understands emotions.

One of the things that always seems so familiar to me about Hakkai is the way he comes up with bizarre comments, because his brain has just gone 90° to everyone else's. I do that at times, and with some family members (husband, sister) and some of my friends, it can just turn into a group nonsense-a-thon. So I tend to make Hakkai do that too. And Gojyo can't always play along, but he tries.

>> You know it's love when Gojyo says he'd give up drinking and smoking to bear Hakkai's child.<<

XD   Yes, that's exactly what Hakkai thought!

Jun. 11th, 2008 04:32 pm (UTC)
Okay, this was so hillarious and sweet at the same time, I couldn't decide if I wanted to laugh my ass off or blubber like a baby. Absolutely the cutest part was Hakkai picturing all their imaginary children - and poor Gojyo taking things far too literally.
Just adorable. I know I'll be reading this over and over.
Jun. 12th, 2008 09:17 pm (UTC)

Aww, thanks! smilla reminded me in her beta coments that Hakkai has done something rather like that in canon - when he was standing on the bridge with Gojyo just before Goku was attacked, and starts imagining himself married to this indestructible woman who will bear him a flock of daughters. Gojyo and Hakkai can't always operate on the same level, but they try very hard to meet halfway ... sometimes it works.

Jun. 11th, 2008 05:06 pm (UTC)
Man, that was one of the sweetest things ever <3
I can just picture them cuddling up together and talking like this.
Jun. 12th, 2008 09:19 pm (UTC)

I'm so glad this worked for you! I think Gojyo was always a very cuddly person - and probably never got enough of it as a child, poor guy, except maybe from Jien - and he's shown Hakkai how nice it can be.

Jun. 11th, 2008 05:55 pm (UTC)
It may be crack, but it's very moving crack, that the absurdity of their conversation lets them discuss things they might not be able to more directly. Nice.
Jun. 12th, 2008 09:21 pm (UTC)

Thank you! Yes, they seem to be able to discuss all sorts of things - except what they mean to each other! But you're absolutely right, this let them each make some important points with the other.

Jun. 11th, 2008 09:04 pm (UTC)
Sometimes, when I read a fic like this, I just feel so bad for Hakkai. He would make an awesome daddy. You've really brought out his paternal maternal nurturing side. Very well done.
Jun. 12th, 2008 09:25 pm (UTC)

Mmm ... well, having had one rather deranged parent and one frequently depressed parent myself, part of me wants to say "it's not worth the risk" - but when I think of how Gojyo's needs make Hakkai get himself together and deal with the world, you could be right. And children would give him a sanity anchor in case (God forbid) something happened to Gojyo.

Yes, he likes to nurture, but usually only Goku admits to appreciating it!

Jan. 6th, 2010 09:57 am (UTC)
I just found this fic while browsing through some recs freeradical9 had made ages ago...

*WIBBLES* Beautiful. Really. I was torn between aching and content and the subtle shifts of mood were just perfect. I do so love your Hakkai voice.
( 23 comments — Leave a comment )


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